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Compelling People: The Hidden Qualities That Make Us Influential, by Neffinger John
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How People Judge You—And How To Come Out Looking Good
Required Reading at Harvard Business School
Everyone wants to know how to be more influential. But most of us don’t really think we can have the kind of magnetism or charisma that we associate with someone like Bill Clinton or Oprah Winfrey unless it comes naturally.
Now, in Compelling People, which is already being taught at Harvard and Columbia Business Schools, John Neffinger and Matthew Kohut show that this isn’t something we have to be born with—it’s something we can learn. Expanding on the themes in their co-authored Harvard Business Review cover story “Connect, Then Lead,” they trace the path to influence through a balance of strength (the root of respect) and warmth (the root of affection). Each seems simple, but only a few of us figure out the tricky task of projecting both at once. The ability to master this dynamic is so rare that we celebrate and elevate those people who have managed to do it.
Drawing on cutting-edge social science research as well as their own work with Fortune 500 executives, members of Congress, TED speakers, and Nobel Prize winners, Neffinger and Kohut reveal:
- The common thread connecting Machiavelli and Martin Luther King
- The secret technique behind the success of Bill Clinton, Ann Richards and Denzel Washington—one that you can use today
- How looks affect our career prospects
- The single best strategy for getting someone to agree with you
Compelling People explains how we size each other up—and how we can learn to win the admiration, respect, and affection we desire.
- Published on: 2014-05-27
- Original language: English
- Number of items: 1
- Dimensions: 7.72" h x .87" w x 5.08" l, .44 pounds
- Binding: Paperback
Review
“A must-read.”
—Art Markman, PhD, author of Smart Thinking
“Kohut and Neffinger will help you to lead—and succeed—in everything from public speaking to love.”
—Joseph S. Nye, Jr., PhD, author of The Powers to Lead
“This is not just another pop-psych book: it’s the first book to capture and share the insights from all the recent groundbreaking research on how we judge and persuade each other. And it translates that into simple, practical terms anyone can use to build more effective relationships at the office or home.”
—Amy Cuddy, PhD, Harvard Business School
About the Author
John Neffinger and Matthew Kohut are partners in KNP Communications, a firm specializing in presentation coaching and communications strategy for corporate and political clients. They also lecture regularly at Harvard Business School, Columbia Business School, MIT, Bennington College, and the Naval War College.
Most helpful customer reviews
98 of 104 people found the following review helpful.
A compelling read and first-rate training manual for increasing your personal power
By Dr Ali Binazir
Every once in a while, a book comes along that has the power to really change the way I see the world and move in it. In 2012, it was The Power of Habit: Why We Do What We Do in Life and Business by Charles Duhigg. The year before, it was Thinking, Fast and Slow by Daniel Kahneman. Compelling People: The Hidden Qualities That Make Us Influential is that kind of book.
The central premise of the book is that in any encounter, people base how they feel about you on how you project strength and warmth. Once you become aware of what your unconscious strength and warmth signals are, you can learn to modulate them to connect better with people, influence them, and just be a more effective all-around human being. From the worlds of psychology, neuroscience, acting, political science, they've compiled some of the best practices for presenting your best self to the world.
Some things I like about this book:
1) Neffinger and Kohut are seasoned professionals who have coached dozens of world-renowned politicians, businessmen, military leaders and speakers. When they dispense a tip -- like "hold the imaginary ball when you're speaking" -- it's a proven tip that insiders at the top of their game use. I felt like I was getting their probably very expensive one-on-one coaching at a huge discount.
2) The authors draw upon the scientific literature to back up their points - no speculation here. Anecdotes are nice, but when someone cites the hard science of how and why something works, it becomes even more convincing for me. For example, I really appreciated their explanation that strength feeds off the hormone testosterone while warmth is mediated by oxytocin, and that these two hormone systems inhibit one another. So if you sometimes feel as if there's a physical conflict between displaying strength vs. warmth, it's because there is.
3) They've organized the book such that it's easy to follow and implement their tips. They start by explaining what they mean by strength and warmth, and how you're broadcasting them via your gender, age and appearance ("the hand you were dealt"). Then they teach you how to convey strength and warmth more effectively depending on the context and what you'd like to accomplish ("how to play your hand").
4) They illustrate their points with real-world stories - Gandhi, Martin Luther King, Hillary Clinton in the 2008 elections, US Presidents -- that bring the teachings to life, making for gripping reading and ease of implementation.
Some of my favorite bits from the book:
-- For a shot of strength before going into a big meeting, stand "big" for a couple of minutes, taking up a lot of space. This reduces cortisol and increases testosterone.
-- Gender matters. There is a subtle art to women projecting strength and men projecting warmth without alienating their audiences.
-- The five gestures that researchers have found to reduce warmth: leaning away; crossing arms; touching, rubbing or grasping hands together; and touching the face, stomach, or other parts of the body. Stop doing them!
-- The flinty-eyed smile (think Clint Eastwood), or "strong smile", is a great way to project both strength and warmth.
-- When giving a talk, replace fillers like "um" and "uh" with silence. So much more powerful.
-- First connect, THEN lead. Once you "step inside their circle", you have much more persuasive power.
In short, these are essential life skills that no one had bothered to teach us up to now. I hear the book is already mandatory reading at Harvard Business School; it *should* be required reading for all high schoolers. If you're a person at all interested in being more effective in your interactions with other humans in the realm of work, politics, romance, family life and more, then you should be reading this, too. "Compelling People" entertains and instructs in a way that can directly lead to your being a better version of yourself.
-- Ali Binazir, M.D., M.Phil., author of The Tao of Dating: The Smart Woman's Guide to Being Absolutely Irresistible, the highest-rated dating book on Amazon for 157 weeks
9 of 9 people found the following review helpful.
John Neffinger has one or two worthy tricks that can ...
By Leona Dore
John Neffinger has one or two worthy tricks that can be distilled in this book, and on his youtube videos. That your determination and vision comes in your steely, fixed eyes, and your warmth and caring on your smile, and that compelling people have those two traits, visionary drive and warmth. Then, when you are talking, make this gesture with your hands, pretend that you are holding a balloon, hands separated, palms up. That's it. You know have read the book.
27 of 29 people found the following review helpful.
An engaging and informative business resource
By VTreviewer
I began reading this book because of the title: as a supervisor of "creative types" who often feel uncomfortable presenting their ideas to others, I thought I might get some insight into how to help them learn to present themselves and their ideas more naturally and compellingly. Happily, the book provided exactly the information I was looking for in that regard: it offers a virtual template for improvement. What surprised me was how applicable I found the information to myself as well. I thought I already presented well in business situations--both formal and informal--but the book opened my eyes to nuances that have improved my performance and interactions. That knowledge has made me more confident, too; again, surprising, because I already was quite confident.
So that's a long way of saying I found the content valuable. The bonus was how well it's written: the authors manage to convey a lot of practical ideas in an engaging, inviting way. As a result, the book is an easy, enjoyable read while being quite informative--a nice plus for a business book.
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